A Birthday Gift for the Man Who Wants Nothing

Ta da!

What do you get the man who has everything?

First, I am skeptical that such a man exists.

Second, this is a question I will never have to posit, as I am married to the man who doesn’t want anything.

Sam gets things for himself. Superfluous gifts are received with a thank you and a smile, but having known him for half century, I can tell you he appreciates the gesture, but is hoping you kept the receipt.

Every year I try think of something he wants, but if there were any such thing, he’s beaten me to it.  When I was in North Carolina last week, he took a sudden interest in measuring spoons. After hours of research, he found ones he liked and Amazon delivered them the next day. They were exactly what he wanted. How would some thoughtful, lovingly-bestowed present improve on this perfect outcome?

For his thirtieth birthday I bought him a Bianchi racing bike. I took his polite but tepid response as a clear sign he would rather have personally undertaken months of painstaking research before selecting his own bike and buying it only after it went on sale.

My best gift to him was around twenty-five years ago, when I gave up chewing gum. This was a habit he considered aesthetically and auditorily annoying as well as a stupid waste of money, since gum has no nutritional value.  

Today is Sam’s birthday. So, what to get the man who doesn’t want anything and you’re not feeling particularly sacrificial? Here’s what I’ve come up with:  

1.     Abundant gratitude that he counts me in the “everything that’s wanted” category.

2.     I’m a writer, so this post.

3.     A birthday card that’s not about aging, but a Hallmark naughty middle-school version of sexually suggestive. After all, he only turns 69 once.