Anger management

Most days, I cycle through emotions. For the most part there are no big mood swings, no peaks and valleys, just hills and dales. I’ll feel good and then a little down and later, I’ll get excited about something until existential ennui hits and I want to take a nap but generally can’t, because I’m doing something that won’t permit napping, like driving a car.

Anger has always been the trickiest of emotions for me. When someone gets mad at me, I feel a burning shame. When I am mad at someone, I feel a burning self-righteousness. The shame is excruciating, and the self-righteousness, invigorating. It’s horrible, and I can’t let go.

I am working on coping with anger, but progress is glacial. My family is used to me imploding while the rest of humanity still can’t imagine me angry, and the end result is invariably me, apologizing.

The less reactive I am to anger, the longer I sit with it, the less unbearable it feels. Someday, maybe I can dish it out or take it like a quasi-normal person. In the meantime, my sincere sorry comes with an earnest I’m working on it.