Bragging Wrongs

Resisting the Boast

“Not to brag” precedes a brag as surely as “no offense” precedes an observation guaranteed to offend.

Bragging is a strange thing; while indulging in it, one feels certain others will be impressed, but in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Unless you’re boasting about something that concludes with “and that’s why I’ve decided to share my Powerball winnings with you” it is, without exception, annoying. That’s my position, anyway.

I learned this from living through, not to brag, some professional and personal successes, and having family members who have done the same. I have taken my light out from under its bushel basket, then, paid close attention to how the rays landed. Other than family and my very closest friends, reactions ranged from tepid, obligatory congratulations to suddenly having something to do which required them to leave the room.

I am good at picking up on social cues (not a brag, but a statement of fact) so now, if I’ve done something well or been graced by good fortune, I keep it to myself. I always figured good news would travel, and humility is another one of my virtues (again, a fact). But come to find out, that’s not the way it works. Bad news is what travels. Good news needs a push, after which it basically just sits there screaming “me me me” while patting itself on the back. No wonder everyone fucking hates a braggart.

So, I was with some colleagues the other day, and a couple of them started to toot their own oft-tooted horns. While feigning admiration, I thought about how I might bring my own bountiful platter to the bragfest. I was about open my mouth when I thought about how much I detest boasting, and by extension, boasters. So I kept my mouth shut.

Not to brag, but in the end, I was so proud of both my acting skills and my restraint! And that’s why I’ve decided to share my Powerball winnings with you.