Hooked

Click Bait Casts Its Stupid Spell

Do I care what the women who married the world’s richest men look like? Not particularly. And yet, here I sit, numbly scrolling.

They call click bait “suckage incarnate.” I think they are being too kind.

I despise wasting time in this manner. You see, I am all about industry and purpose. I should be returning emails, or cleaning the bathroom. Still.

No click-bait information I glean is useful in any way. In fact, it’s not even worthy of retention.

Here’s what I can tell you about Elon Musk’s wife: she’s Canadian.

Here’s what I can tell you about Rupert Murdoch’s wife: she’s Jerri Hall.

I finally manage to escape, but it has nothing to do with regaining self-control. It’s just that the slideshow is over.

Winter in Connecticut is cold. It gets dark early, the night is long. We are in a fucking pandemic. These are my excuses, but the fact is, I’d be vulnerable to click bait without them. Like many of my fellow humans, I’m nosy and distractible. And while I can resist the first four hooks that pop up on my screen (Risky Things that Boomers Did that Now Raise Eyebrows, 25 Celebrities Whose Kids Look Exactly Like Them, They Were Famous in the 80s, This Is Them Today) ultimately, I cave to Her Obituary Was So Harsh, People Can’t Stop Sharing It.

Here’s what I can tell you about the dead lady: she will not only not be missed by her children, Gina and Ray, she cost me 13 minutes I’ll never get back.

I wish I could tell you I’ve sworn off click-bait, but Celebrities Who Have Aged Flawlessly catches my eye. Damn, Meryl, you look amazing.