Straight Talk
Is there a polite way to tell your neighbor, a lifelong hoarder going through a tough time, that you saw a rat on her back steps? I had gone over to check on her, as I do almost daily, and was standing in her kitchen weighing whether telling her this would be useful or stressful information. I thought of the poet Rumi’s oft-quoted advice for when to speak. The mouth should have three gatekeepers: is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?
The rat sighting was true, but the kindness and necessity of passing this information was debatable. I didn’t want her to worry, but if a rat got into the house and bit her, or her brother, or simply contaminated the place with rat feces…I could sign off on necessary. Kind, I figured, could be tucked into the delivery. I didn’t have to bring up unsanitary conditions but just that I happened to notice what I thought was a rat on my way in and she should be careful to keep the back door shut and food sealed. I practiced a few times in my head before saying, “I just thought I should let you know I think I saw a rat on your back steps…”
She stopped me there. “I’ve seen it, too. As long as it stays outside, I figure.”
All my delicate posturing suddenly felt absurd. A rat could chew through all three of Rumi’s gates in less time than it took me to evaluate and frame the information.
What I said next lacked all gatekeeping criteria and I’m still not sure what I meant, only it was exactly what I was feeling. “Cool,” I said, and she smiled.