The Reformation of Yes Mom

Mother’s Day is almost here, which makes me think about my own mom’s impossible-to-fill shoes, and how extraordinary my daughters and my daughter-in-law are, as moms.

I, on the other hand, jumped with my eyes closed into the chaos of raising six kids. I had faith that my love and irrational optimism would make everything not merely okay but fabulous, which worked, except when it didn’t.

Here’s an example: recently, my daughter Hannah told me that “The Big Bad Giant,” a make-believe monster I made up so the kids would clean up the family room quickly lest he arrive on the scene and eat them, caused her a ratcheting anxiety she carries with her to this day. I had no idea. I thought I was being a fun mom, threatening imminent death.

Then there was the night we went to the Spring Glen Elementary School science fair. Hannah was in sixth grade, Jake in fourth, Rachael, Sarah, and Eliza in first, and Micah was a baby, so Sam and I never had a real handle on things. We’d taken separate cars to the school: me driving the Suburban, and Sam driving his Honda Civic. At the end of the evening, I went home with the triplets and Micah (and Sam assumed, Jake) while Sam came home with Hannah (and I assumed, Jake). We had been home for maybe fifteen minutes when I got a call from a teacher. “Forget something?” she asked, before telling me Jake had been left behind and was waiting in the custodian’s office. It was pretty bad that we didn’t even realize we were down a kid, but Jake seemed to take it in stride and it made for a shocking/funny story. I often told it in Jake’s presence, but I never asked Jake what his experience of being forgotten was, and how it made him feel. Trust me, I’m about to.

Anyway, I said yes to the universe pretty compulsively as a mother, and we’re all okay, but my kids are way more boundaried and intentional adults. I am paying close attention, and am trying to approach grandmothering with my loving gusto intact, humbled by my thoughtful children, all shaped by my cautionary tale examples. And, if you’re wondering, the Big Bad Giant vanished for good in 1995, and I have it on excellent authority that he was actually pretty lame, and now, he’s dead.